you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
