I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
