i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
where are my eyebrows?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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