Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Randomize
