i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I need moral support for this bender
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
