maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
