you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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