I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
