I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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