i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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