fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
