everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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