Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she pinky promised me she was 18
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She told me I should be a condom model.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
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The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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