Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
