I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
