remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
