so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
