he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
