"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just high enough for therapy.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
