Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
