I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
