My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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