Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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