I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
