1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
