Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
