I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
