Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
