I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
