my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
