Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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