checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
