Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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