Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
