so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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