Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
