seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
