i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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