lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
