So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
