So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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