How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
