ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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