and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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