please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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