at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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