Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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