im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
