New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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