Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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