Pappa wants mamma naked
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
