ya dads aren't the best wingmen
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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