I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
