my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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