i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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