You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
