Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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